CSA Survivor Story – 39.

I am an adult who was sexually abused as a child. In my case which meant inappropriate touching. Repeatedly. I was a teenager then and I could nt do anything to stop except trying to avoid the offender as much as possible. Thankfully, the torture stopped when we moved to another city. But the damage was done. I became a very insecure kid very aware of my developing body and blaming myself for everything and hating every person young or old who was unfortunate to be a MALE. The reason I did nt talk to my parents especially my mom was because of the problems it would create for our family. I thought about the abuser’s family and how ugly things can get if I opened my mouth. (Makes one wonder how the offenders don’t think the same when they hurt little kids in their very own family!) Anyway, this post is not about me as a victim or the offender. It’s about my feelings towards my family. After the above episode, I went through many other random street harassment too. They left me very, very bitter and I started hating my mother for being oblivious to all this and failing to protect me. Funny how I don’t have this strong feeling towards my father though. ( May be I am just thankful that in spite of being a man, he did nt rape me or lock me up in a basement or something even worse!) I do love my mom and have a huge respect for her and grateful for the things she did for me and still does. But deep down, I have the strong urge to hold her shoulders, shake her and ask her, “How could you have been so BLIND?”

I tried talking to her once I was an adult and gave her hints and kept my side of the communication door open if she wanted me to elaborate. But she did nt bite. According to her, “Whats done is done! What is the use talking about it now?” Queen of Denial? Say Hello to my mom and hand over the crown, please! For an outsider, the internal struggle might look very trivial. “Whats the big deal? So you got groped? Almost every one has gone through it. Get over it and grow up!”, right?  But then its just the tip of the iceberg. Let me give you a glimpse of my internal struggle.

1. Should I clearly tell my mother everything and make her feel guilty?

2. Should I go in the denial route too?

3. Should I just stop talking to my parents and alienate them?

4. Should I let them baby sit my child or not?

5.Will my child be safe with them?

6.What if they do the same mistakes they did with me?

7. How to stop the overflowing love I have for my parents in spite of everything?

8. Am I being spineless?

9. Am I so needy?

10. How can I deprive my child her grand parents?

11 Whats the thin line between neglect and benign neglect when it comes to my own child?

12. How to ask my child to stop loving the person whom I think I hate the most?

By any remote chance, if you are an offender/ex offender who is reading this, do you realize what you are making a child go through her ENTIRE life for your perverse pleasure which lasted like 30 seconds? Think about it.

As if all these issues are nt enough to screw up my life, I have issues managing my anger. Even the silliest argument with my mom makes my blood boil. “What does she know?”, is the first thing which comes to my mind as soon as she opens her mouth. I give her a “yeah right!” look whenever she gives me parental advice! Even if she makes perfect sense! Sometimes I pounce on my husband just because he’s not aware of child sexual abuse as much as I would like him to and I don’t think he ll look out for our child as well as I do! I worry that I ll scare my kid by being paranoid. I am confused whether to send her to sleepover or not. Forget sleepover, I am scared to even send her to a friend’s place. I run a suspicious eye over the school teachers if they are male. Every man who even looks at my daughter in passing looks like a potential molester to me. Any book, story, article or movie based on Child Sexual Abuse makes me cry and I have horrible mood swings.

I want to end this post by saying that for every pervert I have come across in my life, I know more than one genuinely good guys. Boys who did nt cross the line with me. Boys who supported me. Men who could have taken advantage of me but did nt. Decent men who protected me. A special man who understands me and will stand by me against the entire world. Without these nice men, I would nt be right here right now writing this. This post is dedicated to all of them. I salute you. And to every adult who has survived CSA and stands tall today in spite of everything. To Us.