Transcript of Twit Chat–2 with Anuja Gupta

Ques : Can you give us a little background on Kavita if thats ok?

Ans : mother of 3 daughters and is now involved as a volunteer with RAHI as a way of giving back

Ques : I would like to ask Kavita what helped her heal

Ans : therapy with Rahi was the 1st stage, talking about it to a trusted person really helps

Ques : Is it important to share the story of ur abuse with your husband? Also if the offender is a relative is it advisable to share with spouse? what will be the effects?

Ans : in an ideal situation if your relationship is good you would benefit from sharing. nteresting qs abt whether to share or not. abuse happens in secrecy, recovery cannot happen in secrecy. best to. depends on quality of the rel bet them. if there is understanding then there shd be no q around whether to share if there is hesitancy to share, there is a good reason for it. in which case, dont share

Ques : what shld one do when a child comes and tells that one of his parents is abusing him/her?

Ans : what shd who do? depends on who is the person receiving disclosure. then see who you can bring in from pull in someone from family if possible as support after consulting child, then decide on strategy to confront/stop

Ques : What are the emotions a parent has to deal with when faced with a child telling them about CSA? Do parents need counselling?

Ans : In all the parent related qs, there is assumption that parents cant be abusers. so lets talk about non abusive parent.non abusive parents feel helpless, terribly guilty, angry. its difficult for them and often they need help 2 handle this

Ques : How often is the abuser, the childs father himself? When I read the survivor stories, Im convinced that most of the time, the "uncle" is actually the father!!

Ans : father abuse is not uncommon, many survivors coming to rahi have been abused by father, mainly girls

Ques : Why do most Indian families hush up CSA rather than confront, out the abuser? How does this impact the child?

Ans : no family likes to accept that csa is happening, common response is hushing it up, family honour .

Ques : Which would be more advisable- to remove the child from the vicinity of the abuser totally and make him /her forget or or make the abuser face up (in front of the child) to what he has done and let the child feel vindicated

Ans : its not an either or situation. firstly, abusers need to be kept away from children, told that they cant do this we can’t ‘make’ abusers do things, but yes, an apology helps. remember abusers are often ppl chldn love so punishment makes them feel guilty for the abuse coming out. idea is to stop abuse not punish abuser, an apology is imp in any case, rarely happens tho unfortunately

Ques : My biggest dread is that I will fail to protect my children, and also that something might be going on but they don’t know to tell me

Ans : dont dread this, you cant police your child. best you can do is give info and be there for your child if abuse happens

Ques : Is CSA more common in joint families where there are multiple care givers. What can parents do in such cases?

Ans : CSA is prevalent in all kinds of families. safety rules for children are same in any family

Ques : As a victim "Is it necessary to go back and tell your parents?Is there a point in upsetting them Or does that to some extent help with closure?

Ans : If it is imp for your healing for you to disclose, you should think about it, but you should also be prepared..or a backlash or to handle their feelings or disbelief etc it is different for diff survivors, but yes, it is known to help in closure if outcome is promising or handled well

Ques : some parents said that sometimes your own experience makes one a paranoid parent, how to deal with that

Ans : yes sometimes they become over proetctive

Ques : kavita when did u decide to share abt ur abuse with ur husband? what are the implications of doing so?

Ans : you are making an assumption that I did share, in fact I didn’t because I when I remembered my abuse and was to talk about it I didn’t think he’d understand so I didn’t share with him

Ques : If you apprehend your spouse might be abusing your child, what steps can you take to protect the child, and also how do you take it up with the spouse?

Ans : steps u take will depend on your own level of empowerment, u cd confront your husband, take your child and leave ideally u confront him and get him to stop, best to get support 4 yourself first

Ques : Do u agree with the amendments post the Sakshi case? This was the case in 1997 where an NGO asked for certain amendments. in Indian Penal Code and Procedural Code when an 8 year old did not testify against her fatger who had abused her?

Ans : in new law there are procedures for safe testimony taking,special courts, in camera trial, … child does not have to face abuser/s in court. that is very imp. Yes we agree

Ques : Kavitha how & when did u decide that u needed help to deal with ur abuse experience? Also u mentioned that your husband doesn’t know about your abuse how did u deal with taking counselling etc in that case?

Ans : I was interviewing Anuja as a journalist & when she listed the symptoms I realised each one applied to me. I separated from him. The fact that I didn’t want to tell him is very telling – means I didn’t have a good rel w him